JOKES FOR BOYS…

They say that enjoying puns is a sign of intelligence. I certainly think so. That goes for other kinds of jokes as well. Over the years I’ve collected a number of cute and clever stories. After sorting through my collection of personal favorites heard over the grapevine and over the internet I offer you the following puns, gags and stories as a rewarding way to, at the very least, get your boy reading. You might want to pick out the ones you think appropriate to your child’s interest and reading level. This is a good way to teach that playing with words can be fun.

Q: What’s brown and sticky?

A: A stick

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

We’ll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine .

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

I thought I saw an eye – doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian 
She was only a whiskey-maker , but he loved her still.  

A rubber – band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption. 

 A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for  littering. 
 Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 

A chicken on one side of the road calling to a chicken on the other side: “How do I get to the other side?”

Reply: “You’re already on the other side.”

 

How about the HS graduation in where the principal announces that all the students in the 12th grade have graduated except Richard. The classmates start to chant: “Give Richard another chance.” The principal agrees and asks Richard, “How much is 9+4?” Richard concentrates, counts his fingers. Takes off his socks to count his toes and finally says, “13”. The classmates chant, “Give Richard another chance.”

How I learned to mind my own business I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, “13….13….13.” The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a knot hole in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on…somebody poked me in the eye with a stick! Then they all started shouting “14….14….14.”

 An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit, “You come to the front door of the apartment building. There is a big panel with buttons by the door. With your elbow you push number 3. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get off, go to the door with number 301. Then, with your elbow, hit my doorbell.

”Grandma, that sounds easy,” the grandson says, “but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?”

“What, you come to see your gramma empty handed?”

 

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rod and reel for her grandson`s birthday. She doesn`t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. The sales clerk is wearing dark sunglasses.

The lady says, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”

He says, “Ma`am, I`m completely blind; but if you`ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.”

She doesn`t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, “That`s a six-foot graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB Test line. It`s a good all around combination; and it`s on sale this week for only $20.00.”

She says, “It`s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I`ll take it!” As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. “Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,” he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she, who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn`t know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, “That`ll be $34.50 please.” The woman is totally confused by this and asks, “Didn`t you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?”

He replies, “Yes, Ma`am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.”

 

A man stops in to see his family doctor.

Dr: What seems to be the problem, Harold?

Harold: I’ve been thinking I’m a moth, lately.

Dr: That’s not something I can help you with. You should see a psychiatrist.

Harold: Actually, I was on my way to see one when I saw the light in your office.

 

A chicken walked into the children’s section of the library, went up to the librarian and said, “Book, book, book” (said in chicken ‘bawk’ sounds). So librarian gave her a book.

Then the chicken  went out the door and returned with the book a few minutes later. She dropped the book in front of the librarian and said, “Book, book, book.” So, the librarian gave her another book. A few minutes later the chicken returned with the book and asked for another, “Book, book. Book.” This time, after giving the chicken another book, the librarian decided to follow her outside to see what was going on.

She followed the chicken to a little pond behind the library where the chicken laid the book on a rock. A frog came out of the pond, looked at the book and said, “Read it. Read it.” (Frog croak sound)

Wise Guy Answers

It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.”Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked John. “What are my choices?” John asked.  “Yes or no,” she replied.

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”  The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.  “I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said. The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.” When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, “Low Bridge Ahead.” Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?” The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”

 The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) is not just an athlete….she is now a nurse currently working at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones. It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, “Picabo, ICU.”

1.Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

3. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

4. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

5. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

6. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

7. I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a mussel.

8. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

9. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says “Dam!”.

10. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

11. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,”They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

MY JOBS

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn’t concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it mainly because it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.

Then I tried to be a chef,  figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn’t have the thyme.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn’t have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn’t fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at coffee house, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

 Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

 These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist cross town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

 With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry La Prise, the man who wrote “The Hokey Pokey”, died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.